cryofmankind

Igår firades, inofficiellt min första julfest.
Vi drack glögg (vi = Emma, Monika, Sophia, Emil, Robin, Joni oså jag då), bakade pepparkakor, pratade lite smått. Jag kom dit ganska sent på eftermiddagen. Soph lämnade oss först. Det var ju faktiskt ett år sen jag hade sett hela gänget sist. Och alla var så snygga! Emma. Gosh!
Kort därefter skulle Monika gå och jag följde med. Det är så mycket man vill ha sagt, men ändå inte. Visst att det nästan känns att de inte ens hade åkt från Borås. Men avståndet har ändå satt sej. Det är nästan fysiskt. Man träffar ju dem bara en gång om året. Hellre fylla den lilla stunden med små vita lögner och säga allt är bra än det raka motsattsen.

När jag kom hem luktade mina händer pepparkaksdeg.

Kollar ut genom fönstret. En familj firar julen. De ser rätt upptagna ut med att äta. Bah humbug!
Och imorgon fyller jag år. 21... -_-

For what it's worth; en god jul till er alla........


 
End.

I don't know why i can here. Recently my thoughts have been in english for some reason. I doesn't matter. Sometimes the word flow better this way.

I'll turn 21 in nineteen days (first time i've said it out loud). "They only want you when you're seventeen. When you're twenty-one you're no fun." This city makes you believe it's october, not the 6:th of december. Still the winter is here. But instead of snow we have rain, and lots of it. But for once it's no mist outside, the sky isn't ash-gray. You can almost enjoy the sunlight casting down inbetween the thick clouds. Almost.

I'm down to my last pack off smokes. It's kinda sad. I spend my last money on that. And i'm gonna enjoy them to my last breath.

Although i've lost a few pounds, i still dislike my body more than anything. It doesn't show anywhere on my body that this or that area has been decreased because of my wheigth-loss. When i look at my thighs it feels like they're filled with nitrous oxcide (also known as laughing-gas), and anytime soon they'll explode, giving more ammunition to the one's who's already laughing their brains out. It's actually quite phatethic. Not like i need approval or compliments from others. But my eyes doesn't see what everybody else sees.

From time too time i feel angsty. Out of nowhere. I don't have anything too feel angsty about. I've got no job, no nothing. I'm looking forward too the nothingness. I don't see any future for myself. I'm basiclly doomed. But still, all those stupid feeling comes, rushing up too the surface. I feel like crying. Often at nights, when everyone's asleep. I feel like hurting myself most of the time. But my selfhate comes in the way. I cannot even look at my body.

But enough about me. How you been?